viernes, 10 de mayo de 2013

Morir por siempre.

Hoy, al desayunar, nuevamente fuiste tema de conversación. Escuchar algo tan común como tu nombre de labios de otro me tomo desprevenida.
Hace tiempo que no pienso en ti de esa manera. 

Pretextos. ¿Acaso son necesarios los pretextos? No. No muero sin ti. No moriré por qué jamás te tuve. Jamás te tendré. Y está bien. 
Lo juro, ahora si. 
Temporalmente eclipsaste mi mundo, iluminaste todo con un color diferente, como un lente que cubrió mi cámara, mi visión pero ya no es necesario desgastarme. 
Hace días deje el lente detrás y ya no quiero ver más por él. 
Siempre has sido libre y yo también, desde hace un tiempo nos queremos y te quiero también. Sin más, sin más. 
No vuelvas a mi desayuno, no fingas más que eres mi futuro, no me hagas promesas que levanten el polvo y desaten el caos. 

domingo, 31 de marzo de 2013

200.

¿Cómo es que las cosas nunca pueden estar en su mejor punto y mantenerse allí? Arriba, cerca del cielo, cerca del sol.
De día, todo se ve hermoso, despejado y alcanzo a ver las lejanías. Parece infinito, eterno y de alguna forma, mío. Pero no siempre es de día y en algún momento, el sol desaparece.
Y queda la sombra, la soledad, la oscuridad.

Yo solía gustar de la noche, me gustaba no poder distinguir nada en la oscuridad. De pie, con mis manos estiradas frente a mis ojos e inalcanzables a mi pobre vista. No tenía que enfrentarme a lo que no veía.
Y vivía con el corazón en un hilo, temeroso. Al menos me mantenía alerta, viva.
Ahora no. Existe el sol, cegador con su brillo, con su calor. Cuando hace calor, cuando disfruto la suave, apenas perceptible brisa acompañando el calor, temo por el frío que vendrá en la noche; el frío ataca, sin sentido, sin piedad.
¿Qué me has hecho? Te acercaste sin aparecerte en el espejo retrovisar, sin anunciarte, sin campanas ni desfiles, en silencio. Para cuando creí, calculé que llegabas... estabas ya a mi lado.
Y yo había pasado por desapercibido ese último momento en que te puedes salvar. No existen las salidas, solo un eterno laberinto sin fin, cuyo único comfort es que quizá en la próxima esquina, quizá la próxima cerrada, será mejor que la anterior.
Ahora estoy condenada a vivir corriendo, aunque solía detestarlo. Corre, corre porque has olvidado ya como detenerte y, ¿qué implica el detenerse?
Perderlo. Perder todo.

jueves, 14 de febrero de 2013

Be mine. Candy Heart.

I'm tired, exhausted. I no longer need to close my eyes to sleep, to dream but I need to in order to rest.
And I don't want to go to sleep without looking into your eyes.

Link.

I don't want to fight any longer, not against you. However, I can't quite easily give up fighting for you.
I am sick, and confused. You've made a mess of my mind but I'm afraid there's no cure for your illness. I am host of the most powerful virus, you.

I know your vision of the world and am flattered to know you find my special from the crowd.
It hasn't exactly been said by your mouth but I've known, all this time.
What else is there out there? When in your eyes, I'm pretty, I'm bright.
You make me shine, you make me smile and all I need is you tonight.

I'll keep fighting. I won't give up.
If your feelings for her were real, you wouldn't have kept it all this time.
So let me try, let me try.
Put your lips next, close to mine's.
All there is, right here, right now
is you and me, lover's in the night.

(A weird diary-poem-song; for you, my love.)

domingo, 10 de febrero de 2013

Noveau.

No comprendo.
Huh, para ser honesta, jamás te he comprendido.
Y ahora menos.

He alcanzado ese punto que desde el principio temí pisar. La cima de la montaña, la vista perfecta de lo que creía paraíso.
Los resultados son poco agradables. Los frondosos árboles se han derrumbado, los extensos campos de flores ya se han marchitado, el mar cuyo sonido antes escuchaba se ve demasiado lejos y oscuro, turbio y perturbador, hasta un punto aterrador.
Todo lo haces tú. He dejado de escuchar tu dulce voz murmurar canciones, dejaste de escribirle poemas al cielo azul, al espumoso oleaje.  Dejaste de convencerme de que sentía la brisa y la sal, que ahora descubro como hormigas reinas, rojas, enfurecidas sobre mi ardiente piel.

Entonces con firmeza las sacudo y con una última, triste mirada a aquella tierra, me despido. Te beso las dos mejillas de ser necesario y renuncio a todo, aceptando de brazos abiertos tu silencio.
Tu ausencia, tu desaparición.


miércoles, 9 de enero de 2013

Support.

"Who are you?" I ask in silence, staring to him, through him.
He looks at me with that beautiful smile I love slowly fading on his lips. "What?"
I stay quiet and turn around.
"Well, it isn't my fault you're... you're... moody! That is."
"Huh. I am moody? I cannot believe you said that."
"But it is true. You're... angry at me for no reason or you're angry and taking it out with me! You shouldn't. I can help you."
I close my eyes in deep disbelief. I couldn't hold on tighter to my first question, who-was-he?
"You can help me by listening and understanding that I haven't been and am not angry. I am not angry."
"Well then you've had a bad day and you're blaming me about it."
I turn around, in sudden anger.
"It is not fair! Yes. I believe that it isn't" My voice went up a few levels and I make the best effort to keep myself calm. "You're... you haven't been fair to me. You know I'm worried and nervous... there has not been a day since the beginning of the year that I don't freak at some time of the day. I freak and panic and worry. I do. I will, but you don't understand that. And you say nothing! But I am pretty sure you think I am stupid for wasting so much... mind, time on that! I can't think of anything else. It's my future in the line even if you don't like it or don't care."

I wish you helped.
I wish you believed in me a little bit more.
And I wish I wasn't as selfish to wish for that.

viernes, 4 de enero de 2013

Shadows.

I think the main problem is that no matter how much I try, I keep remembering.
I remember how it slowly got darker and darker. How you smiled and played with me, making me laugh, making me scream. How you took me into your arms and turned the world around.
And how you were there for me. How you still are, sometimes.
How you kindly offered, without knowing it meant so much, and helped me face a weird kind of fear.

And the problem is, I remember us walking. Nearly running, side by side, a little chat. How you offered your arm to me and I took it. And you kept walking and so did I.
And then we found what we were looking for and we came back. And all I could think of was that you were there. Or I wish that had been all I could think of.
Trouble is, it wasn't. It was in my head, somewhere, buzzing around. Still, not strong enough. And I remember but the memory is hardly what is should be. It's not special, it's not magical. It just was. It was nice. It is nice to the day.

Is that all? Will we remain forever nice and never magical? Never special.
At least I believe so because you keep doing things without knowing that it means so much.

viernes, 28 de diciembre de 2012

Bloom.

Winter is finally here or has been for a week. Winter is said to be the time when flowers meet their final destiny and die only to reborn again. It's a time for new opportunities or the perfect time to sleep some long lost or lack off.

And we're here today to prove it right.

I wonder, have you ever felt this strange/ strong affection for someone?
I have. Most recently, I must say. The kind of 'love' that makes you feel important in someone's eyes and strong. A certain someone who is granted the importance of your feelings and takes part of your life. He or she is suddenly capable of taking decisions or advice that actually matter in your life.
They are no longer outsiders and if the exchange works, you suddenly find yourself in need of more. Sometimes you find yourself thinking about what's next, what unexpected or planned activity will lead you to their arms. You hope to get close.
It's like a world that slowly builds up, accompanied by your expectations and your hopes rise to heaven like Wall Street only to find winter.
Whatever happens to feelings and joy and crushes during winter? Maybe there's a reason why they're called 'crush'-es. Maybe it's because since the very beginning, they're meant to crush. And fall. And unavoidably, die.
Like a flower that seemed so beautiful, a lucky one that made it through fall (autumn.) It was kept alive with an exhausting amount of time and care but with the bitter cold, they can no longer endure.
No matter how much you try.

I was so sure about how I felt for you. How I... fell for you but the winter break has left a gap in my life and I am not talking about 6-to-8 free hours a day. You once made me feel strong and confident and important. You made me jealous. You reminded me of sidekicks. But now, as days go by winter builds up, stronger than the way you did in my mind. Perhaps its the cold that left you on 'freezing' mode but I highly doubt you will ever seem as important.
Too bad because I can tell a number of people who had their bets on you.