Playground.

I felt guilt.

I felt badly for my undone, unspoken crimes. They took place in my mind, they became real. I was a criminal, hidden away from your sight and melting away under another sun.
For the first time ever, I truly spoke about you and now, after that, you feel so less real. You've become a blurry dream, one I am unsure I ever dreamed.

There's a side of me that seeks comfort in your eyes, upon your gaze, between your arms. Where is that side now? It feels lost but yet, it's here.
For the first time in what looks like a lifetime, I had a dream and it had nothing to do with you.

We were together, as we usually are. We, not us. We were never alone. We lived surrounded by friends, family, a driver.
In my dream, we walked together side by side and on a cab, traveling somewhere. We drove past a known clothing store, I laughed only wishing to become the echo of your own laughter.
He was joking and I poked at him, we played. We were children playing around.
Strange enough, we arrived somewhere and a kids party was being hosted but we had our own game. We hid, we walked, we discovered the house, the farm, whatever the place was.
My family began asking questions about you, about an non existent 'us'. I frowned, I freaked.

I tried to find you. I ran, I looked and I found your eyes. We grew closer and closer, your eyes still meeting mine, our eyes locked. I could even feel you breathing heavily.
My heart didn't rush, it raced nowhere. It kept calm and moved on. It has never been truly you, never completely him.

We didn't kiss. I pulled apart.
You did too. You were late, you were supposed to be home by seven.
We drove back to your house, I couldn't get away from you. I don't know why, I can't explain. I just wanted to keep sharing with you.
We were there, again, never alone. You live in a green complex, as many others. Your parents where angry and their tongues felt like a burning hell. Your friends- who were somehow there- and I, we stood by your side.
And just then I woke up.

Quotes to remember.

"Liv scrolled through the results. There was nothing there. Josie Gray was the name of a sportswear hoody and there were a few Facebook profiles. Nothing else. "

Frases para recordar 1.

Me volví a encontrar con una vieja lectura inconclusa, delgada como una gruesa capa de cebolla y he querido guardar algunas frases que de otra forma, pasarían al olvido -aunque no con facilidad.
Espero se me de el hábito de escribir las frases en un mismo lugar y yo creo que en algún lado se empieza: aquí, ahora.

"Beben ese vino particularmente espeso, y tú desvías una y otra vez la mirada para que Aura no te sorprenda en esa impudicia hipnótica que no puedes controlar. Quieres, aún entonces, fijar las facciones de la muchacha en tu mente. Cada vez que desvíes la mirada, las habrás olvidado ya y una urgencia impostergable te obligará a mirarla de nuevo. "

"-No... No me toques...
-Aura... te amo.
-Sí, me amas. Me amarás por siempre, dijiste ayer...
-Te amaré siempre. No puedo vivir sin tus besos, sin tu cuerpo...
-Bésame el rostro; sólo el rostro."

Aura, Carlos Fuentes. 

Te tengo que dejar ir.

Te tengo que dejar ir. 

Con o sin esfuerzos, con trabajo, con esmero, con dedicación. 

Dedicada no a pensarte, sino a olvidarte. Ya no quiero tener que encontrarte.

Eres un sueño que hice en un día mediocre, un día y te volví todo lo que deseaba. Y me equivoqué.

No sé cómo, ni el porqué, aunque ya me sabía mis rumbos, conocía el final del camino y aun así fui a perderme, a hundirme con todo y todo en un charco que por instantes, parecía mar. 

Parecías profundo, cristalino, un oasis, justo lo que necesitaba, lo que vengo buscando desde tiempo atrás.

No. No lo eras, no lo fuiste la primera vez, ni tampoco la segunda. ¿Qué puede ser diferente una tercera?

Así que debo dejar de ver. Éste iluminado callejón sin salida, aunque de brillantes y cálidas luces que invitan al amor, no brillan para mí y al final, a mi juego o al tuyo, las paredes se siguen cerrando al final del camino, sin intenciones de partir. 

Nadie, nada se retira más que yo, que vuelvo, esperando que todo aquello en lo que tengo fe, a lo que le tengo terror, no sea cierto. ¡Qué nunca se cumpla! Que mis justificaciones sean en un momento temores insensatos e insensibles. 

No un momento, una eternidad. 

Solo necesito más fe para uno que para el otro.